Afraid to walk on Water.

The first thing that passes through My mind is: "Man. I can't believe I'm afraid of the world again."

Times have been really rough of late. Since My last post, it's stressful that My Dad discovered My blog when I didn't want Him to (sorry if that pisses you off Pop), that turning 18 has Me paying a lot more money out the door, and it's stresses, a stupid heart break, and trying to fit in with the people I used to call My friends.

That's got to be the worst of things, because in the beginning of when I started to spend time around them again all they would tell Me if that I needed to change. I needed to stop being so dang serious, I needed to lay off and live it up while I was still young and that I need to break rules try something new and stop being so Me. Well I tried that and now everyone is freaking out and some particularly important people had to say. "I respected you more when you acted like a Suave Gentleman." None the less to say, it's crazy being thrown in between people and told where to go, who to be, how to do it, and if I don't it like that I'm no good. I'm done having people younger than Me, drag Me around.
Yes I hurt some people in trying to find My place. I try to assure them all I had in mind was to try to adapt so I could fit, and now they're hackle up over it. Which is understandable! But still painful for All parties and I'm sorry it happened. I try to treat people right, and I'm still growing up.

That aside, it's left Me afraid of anyone, and everyone. I don't want to talk to people anymore cause it seems anything I do will piss someone off. And at the same time afraid of trying to find which action to take. Because if I lay down and piss on Myself in selfpity I don't get anywhere either. The song coming to mind is "It's not My time" By 3 Doors Down.

So now I'm scared of the world again and wondering where the hell I fit in, and what I'm supposed to do. Where I feel I fit, everyone else tells Me isn't where I supposed to be. But I don't respect kids to tell Me where to go with My life. So I guess I'm sort of off in alone land trying to find out where I fit. I'm still a kid too, but I take life changing advise from Adults. Sorry if that truth ticks off the kids, I still love you guys.

It lands between God and Myself really to figure out where I'm supposed to Be. Still, if you wanted to know what I was thinking, or how I was doing. It's been a bitch to deal with growing up. But I guess that's only normal for anyone who's walked these shoes. I wonder if Jesus had to deal with a school yard Bully?